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Am I making a huge mistake?
I know I am going to miss my babies more than anything in the world.
My heart is breaking and I havent left yet.
Two weeks.
and even Salvador

I love them.
I love them as if they were my family.
Each and everyone.

I'm confused.
Is it just this daycare that I disagree with or is this going to happen forever?
I'm taking a step backward in life.
But I am kind of excited for familiarity.
I'm excited to not feel insignificant.
At McDonalds I know where I stand.
I know I know what I'm doing.
I'm confident.


Oct. 4th, 2008 02:05 pm (UTC)
I need to be COMPLETELY HONEST...please dont take it the wrong way!
Hey Thanks for the message :) I called you last night but I kind of figured you would be out or busy or something lol You're a busy girl!!
But I just wanted to talk.
I've been thinking about something...
I know that things with andrea and you are rough right now...
and I know that things with andrea and I are never going to be again...
And I also know how much it hurts you to not be good friends with her..
SO knowing this - can we try to make sure you and I still try to be close, even if you and her become close again?
I know you like your small groups of friends..
but I really like talking to you again...and I dont want that to stop if you guys work things out...which I think you will.
I say bad things about andrea because she dropped me as a friend. But I dont think she wants to do this to you...
So I think things will work out.
But I dont want that to mean that you and I will stop talking again?
I dont want you to ignore my calls again...
I think in the time that I made myself believe I didnt need you guys or even want you guys around...
I forgot why I liked being your friend.
Youre easy to talk to..
Youre funny
and you're different.
My friends may not all understand you...and you may not understand them..but I want to be your friend.
I want to be someone you can go to again...
It really really really hurt...when i realized I wasnt that friend anymore...
And then I convinced myself that it didnt hurt...that it was okay...and that you guys lost, not me.
But that clearly sounds like a hurt persons way of dealing with problem lol
I know that you didnt necessarily mean to hurt me...but I was left behind..and for a while I was begging for you guys to come back...
And I know it was a trust thing and I KNOW that you feel bad...so I'm sorry I'm even saying it...
Its just been on my mind..
Its like everything else is falling apart...and so I'm reminded of the things that could fall apart.
I hope you understand why I get worried sometimes about us talking again.
You were holding on to the person I was in high school...and no matter how much I tried to prove to you that I wasnt that person anymore...
you couldnt forget.
And i dont blame you.
I wasnt a very nice person to you in high school...
But did I do something wrong when I started college?
I know this isnt an easy conversation and I feel bad asking..
but I think in order for me to trust this friendship...I need to ask these questions.
I tried to hide that I was hurt...and I dont know if you noticed that I was...
but I tried really hard.
I pushed my friends that bothered you on you even more...because i was hurt.
So it was like "Fine, you dont want me...I dont need you either."
and that was my way to deal...
I am admitting where I went wrong.
I could see what was happening I think before you and Andrea even admitted it was happening...
And so to deal with it, I probably made it worse.
I wanted to be your friend...
but I didnt know how to be make you want to be mine.
I think what is bothering me most right now...is the harsh words that were spoken about me between you two...
I know you guys said you didnt need me around.
During that Ipod thing...
That was my breaking point..
I dont want to get in to that fight...I'm not going to try and justify anything...I'm not going to defend anything..
I just know that during that fight was when I realized how much you guys didnt like me anymore.
And it hurts to think that there were more bad things said other than just you guys had eachother and didnt need me..
however, that was hard.
please dont go back to feeling guilty or anything about the way you felt almost two years ago.
thats not what i want.
I just want to know why I was pushed away...other than my new friends..there had to be more that I was doing..or not doing.
Or was it really that you guys just understood eachother and didnt want me to intrude on that?
I need this for closure on that part of my life..
And I want to be sure that you really want to be around for this part.
I know you've said you arent just here because things are rough with you and andrea..
And in a way I believe you 100%...but i hope you understand why i have doubt...
Sort of the same reason you doubted me, I guess.

I love you hun...and i hope thats all you get out of this.



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