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So fed up.

you around?

I dont care then.

Am I being childish.

too bad.
Am I making a huge mistake?
I know I am going to miss my babies more than anything in the world.
My heart is breaking and I havent left yet.
Two weeks.
and even Salvador

I love them.
I love them as if they were my family.
Each and everyone.

I'm confused.
Is it just this daycare that I disagree with or is this going to happen forever?
I'm taking a step backward in life.
But I am kind of excited for familiarity.
I'm excited to not feel insignificant.
At McDonalds I know where I stand.
I know I know what I'm doing.
I'm confident.
I am so stressed out.
It all comes down to money...of course. It's Rob's birthday today and I am wondering how I am going to take him out to dinner when I have no money. This sucks.
I hate my job..
but if I quit, how would I pay for anything?
The babies at work are amazing...they make me smile and they make everything worth it...
but lately the rest of the drama just out weighs the good.
I dont get along with anyone. Everyone there pretends that they are good people and yet they would go behind your back and stab you in an instant if they thought it would benefit them.
Its at the point now where I dont want to work in daycare. I get so attached to those kids and then everyone I work with hurts me. I trust people too easily and it always back fires on me.
Its really hard.
I actually just want to go back to working at McDonalds. I'd rather deal with the trivial issues of how to sell a hamburger better...
than fighting with someone over whether its okay to pick up a crying baby or not. If I think they are hurt and I use my judgement to decide to pick them up..>FUCK YOU...I'll do what i want.i hate my life right now.
I'm fed up...
I dont have any friends.

There's no use denying it...

Most of them its simply that we dont have time to hang out...and that's understandable.
They still call every now and then...they text...they make sure I know they think about me every now and then.

but the 2 people who I claimed, not even a year ago, were the two whom kept me level headed..
are now the two who are hurting me the most.

I've tried continuously.

It's Andrea more so than Sarah.
But I can't help but feel like Sarah is dishonest with me about her true feelings of this situation.
She says she wants to remain friends and that she cares...
but inside I'm almost 100% sure that her and andrea have BOTH discussed the supposed hilarity in the fact that I introduced them...and now they are friends and dont speak to me.

They seem to feel I'm jealous.
I'm not jealous.
But I am hurt.
It's not that they simply found a great friendship in eachother...but they have totally shoved me out of the situation and decided that they are fine without me.
When I did absolutely nothing wrong to them. They simply just stopped caring if i was around.
Maybe some of the things I'm feeling are assumptions...but neither of them are doing anything to make the feeling go away....so what else am i suppposed to believe?

Sarah texts me once in a blue moon.
Apparently refuses to add me to facebook...
I'm not sure why, but whatever...those are small things.
But when I confide in someone...who called me her best friend...and explain that I want.....no, need them as a friend...and they do nothing but say they are never gone...but are never here....


Like if thats the type of friend I wanted I would have just said nothing.

And Andrea is quite proud of herself that she and Sarah are close and i'm not.
And as far as i'm concerned she can go to hell.
I know I called her many times, I tried telling her how I felt many times, I tried working things out many times....
and NOTHING...
Oh except some unneccessary comments from someone who doesnt give a shit about me but likes to pretend to others that i am one of her "best friends". NO THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

There was a line crossed that made my mind up.
I just dont know what to do.

I want to stop caring.

I want to stop being lied to.

I want one real friend.
Just one.

Someone who wont turn around and hurt me a year later...
like everyone else who've called me their best friend.

what have i done to deserve this? I know I'm not a bad friend...
I just dont know what to do.
I feel torn between how I feel and what I want to happen.

I always get stuck in this spot.

It's easier to give in.

But I always lose.

It means a lot to me...or at least it did...

But really, it shouldnt mean so much to me.

I wish I were a stronger person.

I wish I didnt let this bring me down.

Starting toady....I'm going to be the strong person that I want to be.
I know I'm better than this.

I just dont know how to make it go away.
I am so confused.

Is everything going to be okay?

I want to be with him more than anything..

I dont want this to be screwed up.

That's it, Caitlin.
Suck up the shyness, and show him how you really feel.

Yeah, okay...no more talking to myself.

Rob is getting frustrated with me because I make it seem like I'm pushing him away when we are doing things...
And this is totally not my intention.

He makes me happy.

He's perfect.

I dont want to lose him because of something this stupid.

I am falling in love and he doesnt know.

Jan. 31st, 2007

I am actually in disbelief...

I cannot believe how Im falling.

Talking on the phone with him...

and everything he says, I can feel myself falling more and more.

I am not looking forward to a summer without him...but hopefully...we'll be able to work around that.

I want him to meet my family...because even though they are embarrassing...they mean a lot to me.
And he means a lot to me...
And I talk about him all the time, so I want them to see how amazing he is for themselves.

I want him to know how i feel.
when we hang out on friday, I am going to make sure to be a little sappy with him...

I'm just sick of it.

Like...if no body notices....

why continue?

I'm tired...but I dont give up.

Jan. 15th, 2007

I can't believe how tired I am.

I also can't believe that this is happening...

I can't believe how well it's going.
;how happy you make me.

You make me smile...

You make me feel like it's okay to be me.

That's a first.

I dont feel insecure about being myself...

I'm falling haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard...
and then you pay for my insecurities..
I apologize.
If you were a real friend...you would see that this hurts.

If you were a real friend...you would see what is important.

But it comes down to what it always does.


and YOU want your stupid mother fucking iPod.

although, you do know what kind of situation I'm in...since for the last year...I've confided in you...and cried to YOU about my problems....

As a friend...I thought you were better than this.

But anyone I've ever called a best friend...has always gotta do SOMETHING that stabs me in the back.

So from now on.


i dont need you.